Robert Frost Can Fuck Off

There are always poems about a grand road A choice of magnitude & grand symbolism, But what if the right road is the boring one The one without the crazy hitchhikers Or the road kill, but the one were you don’t Speed, the music is easy listening And it is more important to keep Going […]

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You Gave Me Blow Jobitis

You gave me Blow Jobitis. I lay mummified wrapped up in Quicksilver bed sheets wondering if Cleopatra ever gave head this good. Did Shakespeare write Sonnets cause his Montague sword was polished with the Cap- ulet fury you forced upon me? You made me make moans that were soliloquies singing to the sound of your […]

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The Good Kind of Hell

Sometimes attraction is everything–it is mutual: I am a white boy needing a Magnum; she is something from the east that George Harrison would approve of looking like an extra in an MIA music video. She likes that I am a musician; they all like that I am musician. I like her body, she eats […]

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The Costco Couple

The Coscto Couple helping each other out, giving shoulder rubs while they wait, switching lines so they can get home sooner, cook dinner, have Saturday night sex, and drift off falling to sleep to Saturday Night Live. They’re both nice & attractive, making sure to buy full stocks of fish oil & skin moisturizer next […]

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Porn Store Poem: Wu-Tang for White Boys

At the porn store, an older black man would always come in wearing a Chinese Ninja hat looking like The RZA’s grandfather. Never knew his name but referred to him as Wu-Tang for White Boys. He had a specific fetish for seeing black women having sex with white men. He shared to me, “When they […]

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Rex Ryan’s Sexy Love Poem To His Wife’s Feet

They’re fucking beautiful. Size Five just like I like. Better feet than Vinateri has in the fourth quarter. The way you paint those sexy fuckers gold like the color of the Super Bowl rings Tebow’s gonna get me. I fucking want them even more than those damn rings. They taste better than Buddy’s burgers. When […]

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What is Friendship?

Dancing at St. Ex while sick with a combo of the swine flu and death by…damn I am to sick to come up with good metaphors. What is this poem is really about, is a man staying past 2AM with what feels like the bird flu, because his friend met a pretty girl and he […]

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Hippie Hypocrites & Their Stupid Kids: A Misanthropic Limerick

69’ Died, but we got cell phones, Charged with Purple Haze, cool ring-tones As we found Disco, sprinkled it with coke, And San Francisco went up in black smoke As Free Love is replaced with my pornography So my children don’t get any pesky STD But hey, I marched in DC, I believed in something, […]

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God Took My Parking Space

Man is at his worst and most vulnerable, when he feels unsafe. Nothing exacerbates that feeling more than the University of Central Florida Parking space quest— specifically, between the time of Noon and One O’Clock. No other action causes man to gain or lose faith in a Higher Power. You say you’re a Christian or […]

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History: A Poem For President’s Day

History can be a headless horsemen, Sent to plastic surgeons instead of policemen. As clues are clawed by curdled coincidences that contort until they are clean and clairvoyant. But I only see humans withering out of the womb into war ready to fight for or against: Status, Convenience, Quality, God, and Obligation… Washington, hoped for […]

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