Christoph’s Post-Coitious Etiquette For Men

SEX UNDER 2 MINUTES:

Apology, Get Cup of Water, Back Massage

You owe her an apology and then you need to get her a cup of water. You did not even earn the right to spoon and rest in silence. After she drinks her water in disappointment you must give her a back massage and then ask her questions about intimate boring stuff: family, friends, favorite TV show, and/or what is her favorite Bon Iver song. While she talks to you, take the amount of time you lasted and multiply it by 6–that is the amount of time the back massage and conversation must go on before starting sex again.

SEX BETWEEN 2-5 MINUTES:

Compliment, Get Cup of Water, Talk-Spoon

It wasn’t horrible but unless you are really talented she is left very disappointed. Compliment her beauty insinuating her hotness made things go faster than they should and then go get her a cup of water. After she drinks the water, push her hair back from her eyes and compliment her on it (if she has very short hair, compliment on her breasts but do not touch them). Then hold her and spoon; ask her intimate questions of things that you would find boring: what were you like in high school, if you could travel where would you go to next, and what should I get my mom and/or sister for their birthday. Listen intently, make up for your lousy sex skills with giving her feelings of intimacy and spoon until you can go for another around.

SEX BETWEEN 5-10 MINUTES:

Cigarette, Chest, Talk-Spoon

Wasn’t terrible but wasn’t great though. Light her up a cigarette and have her lay on your chest and let her talk and smoke. Ask the same questions as if you lasted between 2-5 minutes and give thoughtful sounding one-word answers: ‘true’ ‘really?’ ‘wow’ ‘definitely’. Adverbs are a good choice. After she is done smoking, continue with the questions and answers in the spoon position until you are ready to go again.

SEX BETWEEN 10-15 MINUTES WITH NO ORGASM:

Spoon-Talk

Decent time but still no Orgasm for her. Your energy is low but she did not finish and feels some frustration. Hold her tight in spoon position and give her adverb answers that lead to more talking. You should moderately pay attention to her and wait until you are ready for the next round.

SEX BETWEEN 10-15 MINUTES + 1 ORGASM:

Silent-Spoon

Enjoy the silence; all you have to do is hold her tight as both of you can enjoy the feeling of sexual satisfaction. You can go to sleep after 15 minutes of spooning.

SEX BETWEEN 15-20 MINUTES + 1 ORGASM:

Silent-Spoon, Request For Back Massage

Good job! You left her satisfied and grateful you actually know what you are doing in bed. Spoon her silently and then after a few minutes mention that ‘in the throes of passion’ you got an ache in your back. Make a painful noise and she will most likely give you a back massage or let you just fall asleep in the spoon position.

SEX OVER TWENTY MINUTES + 2 ORGASMS:

Request For Turkey Sandwich

Just lay there and do not move or talk. She will understand and will not care; due to the high amount cardiovascular activity your stomach will most likely growl and you can reward yourself for your awesome performance by asking “Hey, can you please make me a turkey sandwich?”

If she says yes she did not fake it; she will let you rest and make you the turkey sandwich. Split it with her and then go to sleep feeling full in silent spoon.

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1 Comments ↓

One Comment on “Christoph’s Post-Coitious Etiquette For Men”

  1. sonofwalt May 28, 2012 at 1:35 am #

    Made me laugh.

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