Mitt Romney’s Speech…On Truth Serum

Geez Louise, Republicans, what do I have to do to get you people to vote for me? Is it really the Mormon thing? Look, I really don’t believe in anything! So, please don’t hold the Mormon thing against me; I really wish I was born a regular Christian it would poll so much better but if that was the case my dad wouldn’t be my dad and I wouldn’t have all this money.

I am loaded and it is the cat’s meow to be super rich, but lower-class lower-reading-level republican primary voters I am still on your side: I hate socialists and class warfare; we are allies just for the fact that I hate French as much as you do. I went there for my Mormon Mission and saw if you do not believe in God you just eat goat cheese & snails, drink wine, and blow cigarette smoke in people’s faces when they mention The Latter Day Saints…

Jesus is better than Rousseau! I am pro God; I love Jesus but you Republicans love him so much you’d even vote for Santorum!? Now, that is just crazy! Come on guys, even though I look like the Enzyte guy I am even cooler and way more electable than Santorum.

But I get it, you got your values and you are suspicious about me with the social issues. You really want to know what I believe about abortion…well, I am going to ‘keep it real’ to quote a phrase I recently heard young colored people use: I don’t give a hoot about abortion. I really do not care either way, but I really want to be elected. Personally, I say kill the baby, don’t kill the baby. Not my business, it’s not like its going to effect my portfolio.

My republican friends, if there is one you can learn from unprincipled man like myself is you need to pick your battles. Sheesh, I thought that is what conservatism was about.

But I am not passionateless, there are things I deeply care about and you care about the same thing too–money! Let me state for the record I am not a big fan of Colored Man Music, but I enjoy money so much I find this song to be the bee’s knees.

Show me the money! Right guys, that movie is still hip?! Money, money, money that is my passion and that is what I want to focus on in my campaign, not these social issue shenanigans. But you republican primary voters that is all you care about: dead babies, birth certificates, Jesus, and birth control pills–you are like a walking CBN news cycle…

As president, I have one goal and that is get us out debt, that is what I want… ok, not really. Heck, I wouldn’t even know how to do it. I really just want be president because when you are Donald Trump Rich you get bored easily and need something to new do every few years. I have been searching for something after I realized I wouldn’t be elected again to Governor of Massachusetts.

Yes, I am not that good at politics and we all know I won’t be a good president but I could make a $10,000 bet that I would be adequately mediocre. President wise I wouldn’t be Reagan but I could be as good as President Taft, maybe a little better, maybe a little worst.

And my fellow Republicans I am heartless where I need to be–I’ll cut some entitlements, but moderates don’t worry poor people will still be alright…Seriously, I am not as out of touch or as heartless as you think. On the campaign trail, I have been going to these food establishments called ‘diners’ and let me tell you something; we got it good here in America: they give you free cream (dairy), ketchup & mustard (vegetable), and free crackers (grains). Heck, most poor people are liberal so they can easily stay on their vegetarian diet– they do not have to worry about their carbon foot when they are not eating meat or much food at all…See, I have empathy for the poor, I am a uniter, and show leadership thinking…

Wait, I feel the truth serum and must admit that was a lie; I am not a leader and both sides know that–if I did not come from money my greatest success would maybe be becoming the vice president of LA Fitness or deep down I would have followed my childhood dream of being a ball room dancer–that is how i got the lovely Mrs. Romney…well that and having great hair and awesome chin didn’t hurt either. But don’t let my alpha male good looks fool you; I am not a leader, I am just a manager–I’m your office boss you don’t like but still won’t screw up anything too bad. I will deliver mediocrity to America, besides isn’t that where we are heading–have you seen how smart the Chinese and the Indians (the Slumdog kind) are, they are going to kick are tushies but I’ll get us prepared to deal with the blows.

Speaking of Foreign policy, I really don’t have an opinion or care that much about it; I talk tough about Iran for you Republicans but I don’t really care about it; I am not worried about them either they are as dangerous as John Huntsman was to my campaign. My official policy would be let the desert people deal with the desert people. And, Israel I know you Republicans love Israel but they’ll be fine on their own. Trust me; if I’ve learned anything as a successful business man it is that Jews are smart and always get the better end of a deal.

But know this Florida, I still love the Jews; I feel a great kinship with them, they understand what the world is a about–money. And Republicans whether we go into debt or not I am still going to cut taxes. This economy has a fever and the only prescription is more tax cuts. My son Craig made that one up; he is the funny one in the Romney bunch and that is going to be my campaign slogan for Romney/Rubio 2012 and also Viva La Tax Cuta.

So that is me, Mitt Romney, the real one. Take it or leave it (actually please take it, I really want to be nominee) though we know in the end I am going to win the nomination. Still, I am probably going to lose to Obama 84′ Mondale style.

But you still should nominate me Republicans and here is my final pitch why (so I can stop debating Santorum and get ready for Obama)–with me on the ticket you can at least keep The House and then in 2013 I can do something I have always wanted to do…go on Dancing With The Stars.

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1 Comments ↓

One Comment on “Mitt Romney’s Speech…On Truth Serum”

  1. Patricia Florio March 5, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    You’re a regular riot!

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