Saint Valentine Reflects on Valentine Day

You know what, you can be in Heaven and be pissed off. Not always, Heaven is pretty awesome, I’ve been here since 280 AD: Jesus is cool as shit (we can swear here, it’s a dope reward) and because I’m a martyr I live in the good section and get free angel rides (they are like beautiful horses who recite poetry-it is pretty ballin’). I should be really happy but it’s that day again (SMH Y’all, SMH) the day named after me “San Valentino” for all you gringos that means Saint Valentine-here Wikipedia me (I’m pretty awesome; Top 5 Saint Material)


To quote one of my favorite 90’s hip hop artist who I’ve been hanging with: if you don’t know, now you know nigga (in heaven white guys like me can quote rap lyrics and it’s all good-I hang with Tupac too-him and Biggie are cool now, it’s heaven-shit is all good) but you know what’s not cool or good…getting beheaded for my love of God (go back to Wikipedia and look at The Golden Legend: I even pulled a Helen Keller healing before my beheading, cause I’m cool like that) but you what’s my legacy is: a shitty Gary Marshall movie, bad poetry from Hallmark, and dudes going broke to get laid.

But you know who didn’t get laid, while on earth?! Me! I was a little too busy, I don’t know, being a saint, spreading the gospel, making sure western civilization would have a pretty dope religion. But does that get known? Does my hard work and sacrifice get the proper celebration? Hells no! I look down hear my name in phrases, ‘But it’s Valentine Day, how could you forget chocolate? You are such an asshole Jonathan’ or ‘come on baby, we never done this before it’s Valentine’s Day, it won’t hurt. I swear, it will be special.’ I am glad my sacrifice for the Church is now being used for girls to have an excuse to start fights with their boyfriends and men finding a way to get anal.

The last 75 years have been rough on a brotha, I have even been having therapy sessions with Freud and Jung who are telling me I shouldn’t even look down on Heaven during My Day, but I have too (I’ll get to that wack shit later). Freud tells me I am into sadomasochism and I told him, “No shit, I am a martyr!’

I finally had a double session with both shrinks and Freud said first I feel underappreciated, let down by my Father, God, for not stopping this travesty done in my name. But Jung said I feel regret, that for all the great sacrifices I have done that I missed out on a lot of things when I was alive…Freud silenced him and said, “Yes, for once Jung you are right. Saint Valentine, you missed out on sex and feel resentment.”

I felt pain I hadn’t felt since I got beheaded and screamed, “If we could have sex in Heaven, I will tell each of you to go fuck yourselves and then each other. This is bullshit! I’m done with this!”

I stormed out, grabbed an angel ride, and now I am just chilling on my favorite cloud watching earth people.

I like to watch The East Coast (sorry Tupac) as I watch different humans from NYC to PA-I must say there is a lot of nooners going around right now. All this sex, it really looks enjoyable, it’s just that…damn it…maybe those old douches are right.

I never got laid on Earth. It sucks. We can’t have it here in Heaven. It really is my one regret; can’t even front y’all: it feels shitty when people celebrate you but it’s not for your greatest act but for your greatest regret. I know–major bummer.

I just feel like a scrub just sitting here now and watching these sex acts; the foreplay alone looks so gnarly: making out, copping a feel, motorboating, hand jobs, blow jobs, titty fucking (chicks always look bored during that one), rim jobs, finger banging, and cunnilingus (chicks don’t look bored during that one) and I just wonder how it all feels…

I never cared until the last century or two when My Day Name Holiday went crazy, each year it only got worse. In the present year of 2012, I have just totally lost my swag; I used to feel fulfillment for being a great martyr but now my story is all watered down…I fear that any year now The Lifetime Network will make a movie about me but instead of showing my head cut off, it will just be some bad actor getting implied head. I think they’ll get Zander and Cordelia to play me–Buffy is God’s favorite TV Show–don’t ask He is God.

SMH man SMH, my cloud seat grows cold while I keep watching my legacy get tainted as the repeated algorithm (Einstein taught me that word, dude is smart) Happy Valentines Day + Gift = 30 Seconds to 23 minutes of Sex. It just keeps playing as I hear my named shouted all day, in all time zones, in all languages (In heaven, we can hear or name extra clear-something God’s been testing out since the Dark Ages).

A couple of years back, I asked God what to do and you know being all God and stuff He said, “My Son, the answer is in your day…But it has nothing to with the poorly filmed show that Stared Angel from Buffy. Your peace will come. You will understand in time, just watch and you will understand.”

Well, that was during the mid 80’s and this year it’s just same thing: suffering for others pleasure…holy shit, G-Dog, you are genius.

I get it now! I feel my swag returning.

The true martyr suffers in anonymity and sacrifices his pride for other’s pleasure. St. Francis Saint #1 taught me that, but damn yo, that is what I am doing and probably will be doing for all eternity unless this Mayan shit happens. Maybe I’m the best saint and martyr of them all, I died a beheaded virgin so people could have good sex for a day. That is a pretty dope legacy; shit, yo I got those most Saint Swag of them all. For real…

I’m gonna tell y’all something I have never said and thought I never would…

Happy Valentines Day–on the real.

From Saint “Swagalicious” Valentine



One Comment on “Saint Valentine Reflects on Valentine Day”

  1. David aka steve February 19, 2012 at 5:50 am #

    Sorry Christoph – trying too hard. It’s like erections…..try to hard under the wrong cir cum stances all u get is a 1/2 hard.

    A little lighter hand is needed or use some grease.

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