Romney Wins Florida: Handsome White Non-Charismatic Men Rejoice

When the results of Florida Primary came in that Romney won, white handsome non-charismatic men nodded their head with relief and joy. The next morning they listened to their ‘Let’s Get Moving’ mix for their morning jog; never did Huey Lewis and/or Nickelback sound so eloquent, at least it had not for the last few months. They kept a brisk speed and for the first time in awhile they smiled at their female neighbors getting the extra-second smiles they had always known most of their lives. As they felt sweat fall down their foreheads and noticed more housewife stares they felt their confidence finally return.

These HWNCMs were never really political men, most got by on their looks and never developed things like charm or book smarts, but many months ago as they flipped through different TV channels during Sports Center commercials they stumbled onto cable news station that focused on the Republican Primary. For twenty seconds or so they saw Romney and felt a good feeling ‘I like that guy, he’ll win, good smile. You can trust a guy like that’ but then they saw the man who hosts The Apprentice, and saw that his poll numbers were much higher than Romney’s. They looked at Donald Trump disturbed by his haircut and felt a strange pain in their stomach. They changed the channel to a rerun of their favorite show ‘2 1/2 Men’ but vivid memories came to them of the ugly rich guy who got the girl they truly wanted to be with after they graduated college and got a decent job. They remembered that their looks and safe and steady demeanor were not enough to stop the balding Lamborghini driving asshole from getting the girl and taking her to Paris.

Weeks later, after they returned home from LA Fitness, they drank their Malt flavored Muscle Milk but felt morbid curiosity over what was happening in the election. Most these men never gave much thought into anything spiritually related, but they said a silent prayer and hoped people saw the light and picked Mitt. They turned the channel from Shark Tank and flipped it to Fox News and saw a very large and out of shape man who looked very angry like someone stole his free coupon to The Sizzler. The HWNCM’s checked the poll numbers and saw that this obese man had a higher likability rating then good ol’ Mitt. It just did not make sense and a few of them to cope with this existential conundrum put a little bourbon into their Malt flavored Muscle Milk.

They then started following the news on a daily basis; it was easy for them to no longer watch 2 1/2 Men because Charlie Sheen was gone. They now turned to either Fox or CNN at 8:00 and noticed a black guy talking about 9’s and though none of them were the best at math they knew this was probably not a good economic idea. Buried memories then came to some of these men, of the blond girlfriend they loved who was ‘wife material’ but stopped seeing them because they met a black man who though very charming and blessed with a gift of words was not very good with money. Empathy, something they never really developed shot through 6 foot or taller bodies. Mitt was no longer just a good man, but his nomination over these unsightly men would heal those old wounds and make sure the world was the way it was supposed to be.

There were more men that challenged Mitt, there was even a charismatic man from Texas who was also handsome but a few weeks later everyone realized he was very stupid and the handsome non-charismatic men were relieved-for that would not be fair to be both.

When the black guy who liked 9’s left, it looked like it was Mitt’s to win as even the cool fat guy backed him bringing back their fond memories of high school football when the cool offensive linemen hung out with them because of their were the second string quarterback.

But as they watched the debates just to make sure it was Mitt’s to win, a chilling felling came over them as they saw this troll like of a man out perform Mitt. He had even slept with more women. They noticed he would get more passionate cheers reminding them of when they took Intro to Philosophy and gave and adequate answer but the chubby kid in the back would deconstruct what they said, making them look stupid and all the girls laughed at them.

In senior year while they were waiting tables at Applebee’s, saving up, being responsible, but only getting flirts from divorced moms but not any action, these smart assholes were TA’s sleeping with lots of students who enjoyed their discussions of Satre. This Gingrich guy was all of them rolled up in one, but they remembered they were ‘good looking’ they were supposed to be the winners. Romeny was supposed to win, but the polls came back from South Carolina; it was philosophy class all over again and South Carolina was worst than Applebee’s.

They’re world was turned upside down, they thought they were the ones who didn’t have to try too hard. They never had to say anything interesting, or be passionate and Mitt shouldn’t either, but they saw he must and when they saw him sing ‘America the Beautiful’ their hearts were touched, and realized a great truth. Men like Gingrich can’t say interesting things and be smart all the time where as Mitt and them could be handsome and mundane at all times. They looked at their past and present and saw how they had kept hanging around their future girlfriends or wives who finally after rich assholes, broke black guys, ugly but has good family values, a gold salesmen, and the nutty professor who cheats, and even they looked at their boring handsome man and said, “He is really good looking, I could be happy with that.” They saw the same thing happen in Florida. Mitt’s steadiness and good looks were enough to get him where he wanted to be in life–to end up losing to a good looking charismatic black man…


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