My Dear Craigslist Girl,

Oh, Craigslist girl, Craigslist girl, my dear Craigslist girl; you are my crush. It has been 24 hours since you’ve responded. I know it took me only 16 hours to respond back but more than 20 is just too much. 24 is telling me you are no longer interested.

Oh, Craigslist girl, my dear Craigslist girl. In these 24 hours, I have not forgotten about your favorite band list, which was as enticing as your right side profile stare. Your understanding of the dark beauty of Asian Horror films like ‘3 Extremes’ matches your own.

Your opening under ‘women seeking men’ whispered the sweet words,“Beautiful Dreamer ISO A Man Who ‘Get’s IT’ 27 NW/DC”.

Yes, I am dreamer too, and yes: I do get it, and I want to be gotten as well. I enjoyed your response, it was sweet and your joke about spelling shows you have a good sense of humor and made me want to meet and truly get to know you.

For I understood your words; I was touched by them, and  wrote back and shared who I am as well, but…I fear, that 50 other mother fuckers heard them too and at least 5 maybe 8 have sent you better profile pics!

But my Craigslist Girl, I whipped out my 3 aces in the hole: My wax museum Madame Tussauds picture of me posing as a child with Angelina and Brad, playing guitar at The Haven while in mid-motion on a stage (showing my bad assness –rockstarness… there was a lot of ‘ness’ in that picture! including sexiness!), and last but not least me holding an adorable fucking baby on my lap!

If that last one didn’t tug on you uterus, then you either found me unattractive, which I don’t accept! Because, I was a decent 8 (at least in the Adrian Brody sense of attractiveness) in those pics (and I am not even photogenic), but the lighting was right, and my 3 paragraph e-mail intelligent response makes me a good 9, maybe 9.179. No, the only thing I can accept is the other guys must have showed you pics of them walking on water while holding a baby while still playing 1 handed keyboard with The National, The Kills, and/or The XX. Yes, I really like those cool bands too, but not as much as I liked you Craigslist Girl, not as much as I liked you…goodbye my Craigslist girl, goodbye….

Wait! Wait, my dear Craigslist Girl! Oh No!

 No! That wasn’t my kid!!!

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3 Comments ↓

3 Comments on “My Dear Craigslist Girl,”

  1. Monique Antonette Lewis January 7, 2012 at 11:46 pm #

    This is so hilarious!!! This insane wierdo who probably could be suicidal, but definitely depressed….I know it’s supposed to be funny but when I think of cragslist ads and those who reply to them, I feel sorry for those people.

    Even still, it cracked me up, especially given that his juvenille mentality reminds me of being in high school and all of the feelings of doubt and vanity you have when you’re waiting for a crush to return mutual feelings, which almost never happens.

    The entire post was striking in the sense that stalkers probably have similar thoughts. I could go on and on about it, but thank you for sharing it with me. I’ll try to read your blog more often…bookmarking it right now 🙂

  2. David aka steve February 19, 2012 at 7:01 am #

    I concur with Monique. Probably my favorite. This and the idiot cafeteria bus boy.

  3. Payton Wooster March 11, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    I really liked your blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Really Great.

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