Dear Republican Primary Voters

I’m already pissed, that I’m writing this. I fucking hate politics, there were so many better topics I wanted to write about like how hot Kat Dennings is on ‘2 Broke Girls’ and write a love poem using flowery langauge to tell her how her sharp wit matches her gorgeous curves, but you stupid jerks (except for you SE Cupp!/secupp because I never hear a word you say for I’m always lost in the blue behind those classes that is the color of Vermont and Connecticut on election day…PS Miss Cupp check out The Only Prescription we live in NYC too and should be playing some shows soon in the LES, you could come by and check us out after you pick up Glen Beck’s lithium) are all over the news doing SNL Skit level material. But it wasn’t Rick Santorum holding up corn while talking about the evils of ‘cornholing’ that has gotten me so riled up. It is actually seeing one of your own on a YouTube clip, finding him sensible, qualified on foreign and domestic policy, thinking that guy is not so bad. And then seeing his polls numbers.

Look for your selves:

You guys hate Huntsman! How?!

While I wonder why, Liberals who understand politics are thanking their all-inclusive Nondenominational God or their Richard Dawkins Reading Group that you guys will never vote for this guy because he would be crack for white middle class moderates: he plays 60’s rock n roll songs on the piano which is the dream candidate of the casual political baby boomer Costco voter, who I know do not understand the evils of socialism or how Obama is destroying this country but decide elections (Florida, Penn, and Ohio suburbs).

But they never vote in the primaries, cause you know they got shit to do and the soccer moms got hair appointments to keep . So Instead we get you guys deciding who hates immigrants enough, or has a hard enough boner for Reagan. Which is why Huntsman polls lower than Bachmann because you want a checklist not a candidate and when you saw he was soft on global warming and believed in evolution (by the way, you know what system echoes Darwinism pretty well–capitalism–you should look into that just saying might be some truth in the whole evolution thing), did a photo shoot in Vogue that is obviously shot by godless homosexuals from Brussels: and he did something even worst than that, he accepted the ambassador position to China under Obama: what a fucking traitor and what an unimportant position for the 21st century…PS by the way Obama like him or not is good at politics (yes, Chicago Politics!!!) that is why he picked Huntsman cause he knew in 08′ Huntsman was the guy who can beat him 12′. He counted on you guys rejecting Huntsman for working for him and end up settling for either a nut or Romney. Good job so far.

I know you are already tuning me out and thinking ‘I bet this guy Christoph with his French fag sounding name and his new york city area code is definitely some major liberal elitist. Elitist, yeah I am guilty of that–Nietzsche bitches I always try to be the Übermensch, but liberal I’m not… And NO! I’m not a member of Occupy Wall Street either, I got better shit to do than go Occupy a park and ‘playahate’ scumbag rich wall street people. Not my style, I live by the code first quoted by the great poet Ice-T’ “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” Actually that is false, I don’t even bother to hate the game, I see it as a waste of time; the difference between me and The Occupiers is I accept the way things are and understand the harsh but truthiness of harsh truth: that a lot of times when you try to make things more fair they end up just getting worst–a conservative position. I am non-aligned; I am not a conservative or a liberal just a lonely independent who follows the political gospel of Chris Rock  ‘Some shit I’m conservative about, some shit I’m liberal about.”…Older Consersatives you don’t have to do a google, he is the colored guy who voices the cartoon movies you take your grand kids too about the animals in Africa, yeah that guy. I know he is pretty funny and wise, almost as good as that show Amos and Andy.

I digress Republican Primary voters…I am going to lose a lot rock and literary cred and be invited to less Winter Solstice parties next year in NYC for saying this–but I actually agree with you guys on some things. I’ve never been into the whole ‘republicans are evil’ mindset; I find it is as mindless as you guys were for Bachmann and Cain (yo Herman, sorry shit went down like that for you man, I wasn’t so sure about your 999 plan but you seem like a cool dude; if you are ever in NYC I think we should hang. We’d totally get along I’m all about the 3 P’s: Pizza, Pussy, and Pokemon. Facebook me 🙂

No, just like liberals do good (civil rights for non-white people which you obviously agree with, right?) you too have an important place in our government. You don’t do the heartwarming stuff like the Dems but you have important job — you are the dorky dads who say, “Look I know you want that money for a cheese museum and you want to make all libraries Green but we just can’t afford that now. I’m sorry. Maybe next year.” I respect that and have empathy for that: I am a leader of a rock n roll band (like this shit:!/theonlyprescription and I have to be the guy to tell my drummer ‘Baron we probably should save that money for gear and practice space rent instead of spending it on beer, and/or strippers and/or seeing Ween again.’

Even rock musicians have a budget and have to be fiscally responsible (that is never in behind the music, because it’s not fun or dramatic.) And that is what I like about conservatism as a POLITICAL philosophy — its lack of fun, it practicality, its delayed gratification and accepting things as they are but forging ahead. In art and entertainment all those things suck and bore the shit out of me (when was the last time you have heard a funny conservative, a good conservative leaning movie, or a great conservative rock band) but in life and boring things like a  democratic government you guys have an important place and save us from spending money foolishly. The only area of entertainment conservatism does well is political news and radio (I’d only listen to NPR when I want to get loaded by drinking and doing pills but I am out of pills) but wait a second, let’s pause here…is political entertainment really good thing for you to do with your time and you life? Wait another second…are these guys speaking on AM Radio and Fox really conservative in tradition of Edmund Burke sense of the word?

After you have wikied that, pause for second and realize you are listening to an oxymoron: Conservatism Idealism. And you are listening or watching for 3 to 6 hours in a day, as Rush, Sean, Glen, Mark, or that Jewish guy with the annoying voice preaches how the world should be if only this or that…but pause one last time…and realize that is not conservatism! It is just 20 million followers listening about the evils of Obama instead of how China is using a corrupt system that starting to kick our ass–that is conservatism: looking at a harsh reality and figuring how to deal with it. Not fun, stuff is it, it is not entertaining.

But you don’t want any of that, you want to keep having your ‘freedom’ love affair with how awesome America is and hear some 12-Stepper (pick one Rush or Glen) talk about how the First Lady is doing horrible things like trying to encourage people to be healthy…stop for a second, do you know how stupid you sound when you bitch about shit like the intrusion of Michele Obama’s on the American Diet. Seriously, and I play rock music I shouldn’t be saying this but you need to grow up and learn to pick your battles…But will you?

Nope, you will keep on listening, getting juiced up on that good ol’ fashioned Conservative Idealism erasing all grey living in this black and white world ready for some political Rapture and the return of Reagan like some true non-questioning believers, but unfortunately I don’t see you as blinded fools like Harlod Campings Crew–I accept the harsh reality that you control the republican party; you guys have won while moderates and independents write pleas for sanity on their wordpress sites.

I saw the proof of your power when I heard every primary candidate wouldn’t make the deal $10.00 in cuts for $1.00$ in spending–as Eric Cantor later said ‘it’s existential not to raise taxes’ (wait I thought you guys hate French stuff). While we are speaking of my favorite Mensch, let’s point something out, Cantor isn’t even an ideologue (he is all talk about spending) he is just a political opportunist (like most politicians are) and he is just trying to impress you, climb the ladder, and become speaker giving that tanned guy something to really cry about.

Our political environment is like this because you Dittoheaded Tea Partiers act like the female protagonist archetype in trashy romance novels: lost in a great drama, waiting for that special man who is going to sweep you off your feet, make everything perfect, and then make sure all the gardeners go back to Mexico. This is why the republican primary has turned into The Bachelor: Anyone But Romney. Each month a special person comes as you hope they have the charm and principles of Reagan, the religious conviction of Bush, and the spendthrift of Goldwater because you are ready to fall in love, but your forgot this is politics: the opposite of love, passion, hell anything worthwhile in life and it should not be looked at as an American Idol, or a Jane Austen novel. Why?

Because it is fucking politics! Slimy, disenchanting, let’s cut a deal and not fuck things up politics. There should be nothing entertaining, enchanting, or enjoyable about it except for Herman Cain ( H-Dog I’m serious man hit me up on twitter@Christophnyc I know the best pizza place on Ave A and St. Marks, and then we can holla at some hipster girls up in Williamsburg, they will hook up with you ironically. We will deep dish that shit up, tweet me Herman) it’s about making rational choices for what you think is the best way for the country to go…

Yeah but Christoph are you really saying not to listen to Rush and vote for that guy who was in a French Magazine. Even Romney is better than that guy even though we think he is spineless soulless choad who has good hair… which I would say no Romney is the John Kerry of Republicans without the war experience, and Obama will kick his ass. Sometimes even you guys are right about things and you are right about Romney. That is the harsh reality of your situation, you are left with either nominating Romney or pretend that Santorum really is the one. Or you can try this Huntsman guy out — I mean shit you have tried Gingrich even, you might as well try Huntsman. He is the only guys you haven’t given a serious date or chance. Treating politics like an 80’s teen movie will be progress for you guys–he is the John Cusack, who is not as sexy or bad ass as James Spader, but will hold up a boombox out your window while cutting taxes.   

Yeah, I know it doesn’t feel as good to support Huntsman as much as that week Perry announced his candidacy and you didn’t know yet he was retarded, and I know he supports dreaded Civil Unions and is soft on climate change (I know that stuff is important to you just like me hopping Community gets renewed is to me) but if you focused less on BULLSHIT and realize this is a guy wants to implement parts of the Ryan Plan (yeah the dude you guys love who acts and looks like an accountant for Applebee’s) which I know my liberal friends hate but I accept the harsh truth that we got to do something about entitlement spending or we could end up like Greece. Huntsman knows that plan won’t ever pass but politics is about working across partylines finding a compromise that is best for the country Long term (I know boring, but has to be done. He can also handle foreign policy with our greatest competitor, and is not a neo-con who is gonna waste any more money trying to change the world in our image–there is no debate on that one, let the days of Rummy and The Wolf go). It is the most rational choice and yes he is pro-fucking choice (not today but another day I’ll be writing the article ‘Let’s Talk About Abortion’, which will deal thoughtfully with the tough issue while giving a nice shout out to the delightful 90’s hip hop artist Salt N Peppa)

Unlike you guys, I live in the reality where my main concern is 2 things for the USA: going broke and not being competitive by 21st century. I know enough from personal experience that when we can’t pay for guitar strings and batteries, there is no way to practice and then you start sucking even compared to some indie bands from Orlando to Williamsburg who don’t belive in choruses. Now maybe it’s my musician bias as he started to rock hard around at the 8:15 mark or maybe I just see a guy who could be a decent president, get us back on track, and not make anything worst–in the boring world of politics that is all you really can hope for.



One Comment on “Dear Republican Primary Voters”

  1. Christoph Paul November 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm #

    Reblogged this on thepassionofthechristoph and commented:

    I told you…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: