Dear Jonathan Franzen (Free Kindle If You Read This)

http://tinyurl.com/7ojjfcc ‘Ebooks are not for serious readers’ Look Jonathan, I like ya, and for the most part I am on your team; you write great literary novels-a goal I want to achieve one day. ‘Freedom’ (3rd act issues aside) was really fucking good, but dude, come on, it’s easy to say shit like this when […]

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Lattes and Deuteronomy: Friday Night at Barnes & Nobles

I always wondered what nice Christian girls do on Friday nights, but the answer is to my left as I see them read The Bible at Barnes and Nobles. It’s foursome get together: drinking Lattes and reading Deuteronomy. I am not judging, I am just jealous. I am here all alone; at least they got […]

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St. Francis on Absinthe

http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/pray0027.htm When I was in London I tried Absinthe. It tasted like licorice ass dipped in balls, but balls is what I tripped. I thought I was a man who I assume had great big balls, but a bigger heart–St. Francis of Assisi. I felt his soul merge with mine and I was his reincarnation […]

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Titties and Trays

I sit there in the college cafeteria, eating shitty pizza, watching the retarded boy; he is working during the lunch shift, darting around the stale white floors, picking up plates and trays. MTVU is playing on all eight TV screens and he loves every stupid song, but not as much as he loves this job–being […]

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My Dear Craigslist Girl,

Oh, Craigslist girl, Craigslist girl, my dear Craigslist girl; you are my crush. It has been 24 hours since you’ve responded. I know it took me only 16 hours to respond back but more than 20 is just too much. 24 is telling me you are no longer interested. Oh, Craigslist girl, my dear Craigslist […]

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Dear Republican Primary Voters

I’m already pissed, that I’m writing this. I fucking hate politics, there were so many better topics I wanted to write about like how hot Kat Dennings is on ‘2 Broke Girls’ and write a love poem using flowery langauge to tell her how her sharp wit matches her gorgeous curves, but you stupid jerks (except for you […]

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